10 Reasons To Never Cruise Again

That is a question most travelers ask themselves at some point in their lives. Especially as cruise lines begin offering discounted packages in an attempt to bounce back from the PR nightmare that was/is the Carnival Triumph, aka “the cruise from hell.” (Or the latest debacle currently unfolding on the Carnival Dream.)

But even when everything goes smoothly, the experience isn’t exactly for everybody, and certainly not for us.

I understand the draw of cruises:

The fact that you can cover a lot of territory on one trip while someone else does the driving is very enticing. All the work is done for you. Your meals are waiting everywhere you turn, activities are announced on the loud speaker each night, someone tells you when to get off the ship and when you need to get back on. You don’t need to think about anything, really, except whether or not you’d like another lobster tail, which, of course, you do.

You are supposed to be able to sit back and relax.

I couldn’t. I quickly realized that cruises are not for me.

Here are 10 reasons why:

1) The only place you can be alone is your room. You wanted to get away, right? Unless you lock yourself in your cabin, you will constantly be surrounded by people. And not just regular people, but cruisers. And what’s worse is that you’re on a solitary vessel, in the middle of the ocean, completely at the mercy of the cruise line. Cue existential crisis.

2) You’re less likely to experience any authentic dining.  You’re fed so much and so often, and the food on the ship is included in the ticket already, so why would you pay for food on land?

3) Your destinations are manufactured. The ports the ships usually dock at are, in most cases, built strictly for the purposes of accepting cruise ships and their 2,000+ instant tourists. They are devoid of any real culture.

4) The alcohol on the boat is expensive, man! Six-dollar Coronas and eight-dollar margaritas sure do add up. You tend to drink when you’ve got nothing else to do, and the whole purpose of going on a cruise is to have nothing to do, right?

5) The on-board structured group activities are lame. While we’ve never cruised together as a couple,  neither one of us has ever participated in any cruise activity on the ship. Crowning Mr./Mrs. Carnival didn’t seem to appeal to either of our interests, nor did Ultimate Bingo or Passenger Talent Shows.

6) There’s always someone in your way. No matter how long you’ve been on the ship, there’s some sort of disorientation spell it seems to put on many of the passengers, who pause in the middle of the cafeteria when you’re right behind them, or who push past you in the narrow halls.

7) The boat will make you sick, literally. Mark isn’t one to get motion-sick. He’s been on pitching fishing boats with no problems. But something about that slow, almost unnoticeable but ever-present rocking made him miserable for a solid two days on his first cruise. That unsettled feeling never really left.

8) You’re never in one place long enough to get to know it. Just when you find the perfect little margarita bar in San Juan to relax in and chat up some locals, you look at your watch and realize that your ship will be leaving without you if you don’t high-tail it back. Even a few days isn’t usually enough to get to know a place — what can you expect in 6 hours?

9) It all adds up. Cruises are always marketed as great deals, but the truth is they are actually very expensive when you tally up all extras. Drinks, inflated excursion prices, special “chef’s dinners,” spa services, and tips are often unforeseen expenses that most people don’t plan for. Plus, unless you happen to live in Ft. Lauderdale, you need to factor in the price to get to the port city. That “great deal” all of a sudden doesn’t look so great when you’re handed your final bill as you disembark.

10) You have no choice. Sure you can pick what you eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You can choose to lay by the pool, or swim in the pool. You can get off the ship when it docks, or you can stay on the ship if you choose. But that’s about it. You don’t have control over much else. And you will have fun — whether you like it or not.

If these reasons aren’t enough to give you pause, or you want a more in-depth look at whether or not a cruise is for you, you can dedicate a half-hour or so to reading David Foster Wallace’s famous and hilarious Harper’s essay, “Shipping Out,” on the topic of a 7-day Caribbean cruise.

6 Responses to “10 Reasons To Never Cruise Again”

1. Marian Krueger says:

   
   March 14, 2013 at 7:05 am

   I am so sad to read your blog post. You clearly didn’t have a great cruise ship experience at all. BUT that doesn’t mean all cruises are the same! If you go on a “party” ship, then you get what you pay for in the end. But if you plan ahead and book a cruise with a cruise line that matches your needs, then you will definitely have a great time and won’t on a ship that is overrun with drunk people. You should really research some of the different cruise lines and not base your opinion of cruising on one singular Carnival cruise.

   BTW it’s a ship and not a boat.

   Marian
   Travel Shop Girl

   Reply
   • Swoon Divers says:

     
     March 14, 2013 at 8:13 am

     Hi Marian!

     All told, we’ve been on three different cruises with two different lines. We had no problems with the drunk people.

     It’s just the nature of this type of travel that, after giving it a few tries, we’ve determined is not for us. Our 10 reasons are things you’ll likely run into on most cruises, regardless of the itinerary or how many drunk people there are.

     Of course, cruises are very popular, and a lot of people seem to really (like, really) enjoy them. To each his own. Still, it’s not for everbody.

     Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

     Cheers!

     – Mark

     Reply
2. Nathan Nehmer says:

   
   March 15, 2013 at 6:49 am

   It is sad that you have tried three cruises with two different lines and have not found them enjoyable. The cruise lines all market to different groups of people, groups that have different interests. It really takes some sitting down and researching what they each have to offer to really pick the right cruise line for you. Plus, different ships within each cruise line also have a different feel to them.
   I want to go through some of your points and make some comments:
   First off, your first comment of being alone being impossible on a ship. Think back to other vacations you(or the average person) took, when your at the resort how often were you alone? Really unless your camping in a remote park, you will be around people.
   I won’t spend much time on number two because that is your decision not to eat food while in port, so on to numer three. You have time to get away from the port. If you want to experience some of the culture, go off on your own, explore the cities, hire a cab to take you to authentic experiences.
   For your number eight, spend the time to research the offerings of the cruise lines. Explore their itineraries because some cruise lines offer overnights in some ports. Some even offer two full days in a port on some sailings. Also, with other people choosing to go with the all-inclusive option, how mush do they really get to know about their destination. I would argue less than a cruise passenger does.
   You say you have no choices on a cruise but new ships are being built around the concept of more choices. They have more alternative dinning locations, more activities to choose from, and more options all together. However, your real choice comes before you book the cruise. Choose a line that fits your lifestyle and the activities onboard will interest you more.

   Nathan

   PS: Marian is right about the ship. A good way to turn any cruise fans away from your writing is by calling her a boat.

   Reply
   • Swoon Divers says:

     
     March 15, 2013 at 11:47 am

     Nathan,

     Thanks for taking the time to read our blog and share your thoughts!

     I understand where you are coming from, but I take issue with a few points you make:

     “Think back to other vacations you (or the average person) took, when your at the resort how often were you alone? Really unless your camping in a remote park, you will be around people.”

     ^ This line of thinking assumes that other than cruising, your only vacation option is a resort. (This comes up again later in your comment when you refer to people choosing to go with the all-inclusive option.) With all due respect, this is quite a restrictive travel perspective. (Not to get on a high-horse here,) but there are so many other ways to experience the world than a cruise or a resort: backpacking, camping, road-tripping, couchsurfing, volunteering, work-exchange, etc.

     These are the forms of travel that appeal to us most, and these are the types of travelers we hope to appeal to.

     Cheers!

     – Mark

     Reply
     • Nathan Nehmer says:

       
       March 16, 2013 at 8:10 am

       I wasn’t trying to convey the message that the only other option to cruising is a resort. I mentioned that option because, for most people, that was the other alternative. Even if you look at your other examples, like backpacking, volunteering, and work exchange, most times you will not be alone there either. With backpacking in Europe many people stay in hostels which offer little privacy. With volunteerism your relying on the charity to give you housing and, in most cases, they put up everyone in one large house.

       Your original post also assumes the only option for cruising is on a large ocean going ship. There are many other options to cruising as well. You have small ship cruising that would be ships with less than 600 guests, You have the option of yacht cruising where you can customize your itinerary. There is river cruising both here in the US and more prominently in Europe. You also have canal barge cruising where these small barges take you into the countryside.

       Reply
       • Swoon Divers says:

         
         March 16, 2013 at 3:31 pm

         Duly noted and clarified in the post.

         Thanks again for joining the conversation.

         Reply